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The child that angers you the most is the one that most resembles you

“Everything that bothers you about other beings is just a projection of what you have not solved about yourself” -Buda-

It is normal to have discussions and differences of opinion in any family. After all, “each one is as it is”. However, perhaps the person with whom a mother discusses most is precisely one of her children. According to one study, in many cases parents do not accept certain attitudes of their children or try to correct them by seeing themselves in them. This whole situation can lead parents to the edge of lack of control and cause big fights.

Based on the aforementioned study, we will try to explain the reasons why parents may have a more difficult relationship with a particular child.

What is projection?

According to psychology, projection is defined as a defense mechanism adopted by humans. It occurs when a person attributes to other thoughts and attitudes that he or she
cannot tolerate. That is, it is a situation in which one literally projects emotions that cannot accept in oneself on others. This often happens because accepting these emotions would take the individual out of his comfort zone, causing anxiety or stress.

Not taking responsibility for the negative aspects prevents the person from improving and overcoming what causes him so much trouble. However, it is easier for some to transfer those feelings to an external factor than to face reality.

Children imitate parents' behavior

Many of the attitudes adopted by people inherit them from their parents. From childhood, children observe how they act in different situations. Particularly during adolescence, when the personality begins to be defined, the youngest adopt the behavior of their parents, from the way they speak to the way they react. Even the emotional state of the father or mother can affect the psychological development of children.

It is normal for people throughout their lives to look at their past, not feel satisfied with the way they have responded to a difficult situation and want to do everything differently. Then, when these same people become fathers and mothers and see their children make the same mistakes, they automatically feel the desire to correct them to avoid future regrets.

How the situation can be resolved

Above all, it is important that parents try to solve their own problems and only then turn to their children. On the other hand, even those who want to leave the past behind and evolve must understand that children are not mommy or daddy. Children need to make their own decisions and make their own mistakes as part of the personal learning process.

• Before reproving any attitude, try to see the problem objectively. Put yourself in the place of the other before judging.

• Evaluate the way you address your child, the tone of voice and the words used.

• If your child does not look at your advice positively, grimace or roll the eyes, remember that you would probably respond in the same way. Try not to let anger take over you.

• If the discussion gets worse and you start exchanging words that can hurt each other's feelings, it is better to stop and resume the conversation at another time.

• It is important to control your emotions. The calmer you are, the more serenity you will transmit to your child. On the other hand, if you find yourself upset, this will be reflected in the child and he or she will tend to adopt the same posture.

• Spend quality time with your child. It is crucial that you establish healthy bonds and create good memories.

How to learn to accept what bothers you

• Accept that some things cannot be changed. Those aspects that you cannot improve should stay in the past. Keep your focus only on the opportunities that can evolve.

• No one can walk judging others. We must accept that humans are not equal to each other and that we must learn to tolerate differences.

• Analyze what bothers you about the other and the reasons why it bothers you.

• Avoid making decisions based on assumptions. If you are not sure of something, it is better to ask.

• Spend a few minutes a day for meditation. Some YouTube channels offer only five- minute meditations that are efficient. This practice can help to differentiate the aspects of your personality that you like from those that you can improve.

• Be yourself! Show the world all your virtues and defects. After all, both good and bad are part of the essence of the human being.

Do you also discuss more with one child than with another?

Leave us your comment!


Marta Segrelles (2018) What bothers you about the other has to do with you. Official College of Psychologists of Catalonia, Spain.
Marilú Ochoa Méndez (2017) The son who gets you out of control and makes you angry wants to show you something about you. Familias.com
https://www.familias.com/el-hijo-que-te-descontrola-y-te-hace-enojar-quiere-mostrarte- algo-sobre-ti/

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